my second home

My second home is a place where you can always find me besides my house of course. This place can be heaven and yet a hell to me. Sometimes I can only be 80% of myself here not quite like me home. People here have the same aim, 99% of them are, to earn something. Some to earn respects and mostly for $$. Me, for example to earn $$ and satisfaction. Tomorrow will be my second month there. I found out that living in this home isn't as fun as I used to think. Lecturers had been telling us, "Learn and ask as much as you can, or else you'll be their jokes in the future". Everyone was thinking we know we know but now, standing at this point I truly understand what this mean. It means humiliation, shame and tears. So far nobody has yet humiliate me but I do. I feel so useless inside in spite people telling me I'm doing good enough for my level. There will always be a day for someone clearing my dump without miss or delaying their time to be home. I try my very best to do things quick and remember everything as much as I can but things still miss out somehow. What if they send me to other room? I dot even know I can cope with it. Whenever people telling me I'm good enough, my tears was like being set by an auto machine but I will always push them back. I do not want to show them how weak am I, I never want! FATHER, please allow me to gain my confidence back.

management

doing final in nursing is not the same as doing final during high school. this is much more hectic and tiring, did i mention is very challenging too?? sigh.. first, i have to attend lecture, do assignmentS, presentationS and practical.. the practical i'm doing right now is management, which means i have to learn how to manage the ward, patients, staffs and my nursing careS.. how am i going to do all that in just 12 days time?? i really don't know. the first day should have be the perfect day. but too bad, there isn't fairy tales in the reality, my first day turned out to be a bad day not worst (thank GOD).. i know i should not find any excuse for myself but going back to my own hospital make me feel alone and not at home, i do't know why.. maybe i have been away for 2 and a half years.. even ying said so.. going to gh or l** make me feel more at home because i know what can we do and what we cant do.. now, everything i do make me feel so afraid, therefore i looked as though i know nothing.. sigh~~ on the frist day, i've heard a rn whom i changed patient's diaper with talk behind my back to another rn saying "she said she doesnt knows how to do admission, is so different and etc." then on the 2nd day, i was looking through some folder before my shift and i heard the same boring voice talking behind my back again, saying "yesterday i changed diaper with the students, she only stand there waiting for me to teach her how to change diaper, waiting for me to get gloves and etc." well come on, that rn was standing next to the cabinet, of course she has to take the gloves an everything, dont tell me she expect me to get over her place and get the stuffs needed?? i agree, on the first day i do looked a little blur but this doesnt means i am a robotic nurse, duh!! dont she knows "DONT JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER" ? when i heard this, i was standing behind the screen so i kept quiet and ignore what seh said although in me i was fumign!! i want to let her know that do not talk behind peoples' back but straight confront right in front of her.. this is not ethical at all.. what other staffs will think of me then? dont tell me her words are not influential at all.. no matter how, people tend to listen more than see.. i dont care about her now, i will work what i have been taught and do the right things.. who cares about her?? this person will only be co-worker but not FRIEND.. thats all :p

am mad!!

this morn i found a carpark without effort in a busy market and i told my sis today is my lucky day.. everything went on smoothly until 11+ am, he called and we talked.. he's more to the oriental thinking and does not trust people not even me sometimes.. he was asking me whether i went out last night and i told him i didn't. i slept after text him and that time was 11+pm. thanks to my adorable younger sis, she said aloud i slept late last night and he heard that.. he didnt trust me at all but she trusted her, whom he is not really fond of.. how possible this can be? and i, the one who was telling the truth left blamed.. i am so mad with HIM and HER.. i hang up the phone and gave her a nice scold.. she didnt even apologize until NOW!! she still thinks that she has no wrong.. of course i cant blame her on everything but she knew he's very sensitive.. she should have keep her mouth shut, nobody says she's deaf if she doesn't speaks!! and that sensitive man thinks that is not his fault and blamed me for scolding him for not his fault.. i didn't receive any news form him till now which driving me crazy!! can anyone tell me who should i blame then? both sides think they're right and i'm wrong!! grrr!!

was over the rainbow on 18~20 oct 2009

my honey brought me to genting on that day with my friends.. i was overjoy that i start to worry he's not going to make it with all sorts of excuses and when he made it, i started to think that everything were a sweet sweet dream.. we weren't acting like we used to be, we were so carefree, this is what made me to think that i'm in a dreamland.. we played and window shop of course.. on the last day, i felt we should have stay for another night, too bad we can't make the adjustment last minute.. plenty of pics were taken of course :) and now he is telling me of another trip to the beach.. hoo la la~ i'm so excited although this trip will be next year.. anywhere is wonderland when he's with me~

am not happy today..

i had a wonderful saturday yesterday.. i havent shop for 3 months plus, till yesterday.. i shopped happily though i spent quite a fortune.. to me, is quite worth while actually.. my mom even agreed that once a while is a nice thing to do :) however, things went de other way round today.. i joined a charity health screening today.. i was quite happy and excited to work there.. everything goes fine till 1, when de screening end.. my boy and i had a quarrel due to some misunderstand.. dis will be de 1st sad moment.. den i realised i left one of my fav bottle at de screening centre and i noe 90% i will nvr see it again, dis will be de 2nd.. to cheer myself up, my sis and i went for sushi, mmmm yummy-yummy.. everything turned out better until i entered a boutiqe.. i saw 2 dresses dat i really like, under my sis encouragement, i picked both and try them out.. my trauma began when a lady came over to me and just took both of my dresses away without saying anything and gave me a smirk.. i was like, wut kind of person is dis?? why there is still dis kind of person lives in dis civilised world?? i was very mad and planned to ask them back but my sis showed me a sign dat dis is not a nice thing to do, not now.. my tears almost fall from my lil eyes.. my sis told me is not worth it to cry for dis lady but is really really hurt.. imagine a 2 year-old gurl's fav pillow was snatched by a 6 year-old gurl.. i don't even know anyone there but dis happened to me.. i did cried then, when i was alone in my car.. at dat time, i really hope he was there and stand up for me.. but i noe, dat day will never happen.. anyhow, i noe tomolo will be better.. GOD is fair to everyone, so tomolo will be my sunshine day again.. but i wonder, wut will happen if i talked to dis lady and get my dresses back.. do you think she'll be ashamed OR she will make me more ashamed??

just created me very first blog..

do you think is too OLD to start one?? i don used to like bogging so much, but it just comes to me out of the blue that i want to start my own blog.. thoughts really do change as we grow.. the reason why i start this because i wish to share my thoughts with somebody, but sometimes the words just can't seem to come out.. so i guess, this will be the best solution, agree? feel free to drop by and give me some comment okie?? GOD bless~